Pause For Contemplation

I am currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, listening to the low hum of the tv in the background and the hospital busy bodies floating around outside the open doorway, as is common for this breed of room. At the moment, I sit alone as the darkness blankets the sky outside and the hospital instinctively quiets down with the arrival of the evening. A few moments ago this waiting room was bustling with a large family waiting for news on how their mom did during surgery. They were like any family, they laughed and teased each other, made a coffee call each time one of them left the room, their close ties evident in every gesture. But as soon as the surgeon entered the room, a silence so deafening fell over them it almost hurt my ears. In that one moment, that microsecond between their silence and the surgeons first words, the tension was palpable. The humor fell away and all that was left was the silent desperate plea to fate that their loved one pulled through.

I do not know what the surgeon had to tell them (I am assuming it was ok since their tension melted quite a bit as they left the waiting room) but I knew in that moment, this is what medicine is about. Whether you are a surgeon or primary care physician, you are caring for somebody who means the world to another person. You are being trusted with someone's most valued gift, their body. Their livelihood. You are working not just to give them the best life possible but to give their loved ones the time they crave. Time to make memories and right wrongs. Time to live. Some days this isn't what happens, some days fate has other ideas and all we can do watch as she sweeps into our lives without warning and leaves us confused, and at times broken. But then there are the days that allow you to be the relief, the light at the end of the tunnel that gives them permission to breathe again.

The family I mentioned before seemed ok with what the surgeon said but once he left there were many tears as the wave of relief crashed against the tension they had been holding at bay. Their happiness was no longer balancing precariously in the realm of the unknown, they had firm footing once more. I have been there. I have been the one waiting, holding my breath, seeking sure footing. And I know the relief that comes with the knowledge that you can breath easily once more. I look forward to the time when I can offer that sure footing and reassurance to others. What an amazing experience to be able to serve others in this way, even if sometimes that isn't always how it works out.

The Sparkling, Blood Abstaining Irritation That Is Invading My Life

So as I sit here at nearly midnight working on yet more physics (just kill me now) I have various music floating in the background (yay pandora and youtube!). One of the songs I fell upon (and liked) was "Closer" by Kings of Leon, I love that band, which led to a flood of Twilight based fan videos (this saga has ruined several things for me, not the least of which is violent vampire stories...sparkling vamps, seriously? See, this is what happens when Anne Rice becomes a fanatical christian). Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good romance just as much as the next girl (though Edward is a bit of a pansy for my taste- give me a guy with a few scars for various fights, a checkered past, and a tendency to give in to his animalistic side...then again, I have detailed my demented attractions to men here. But I digress...), but these stories are just...ridiculous.

If I met a man who began telling me where I could or couldn't go, who I could and could not see, what I should do with my life, etc. you better believe his ass would be booted to the curb quicker than...well, I don't know what, but it would be really quick, let me assure you. Like I said before, I don't prefer pansies, I dish out a lot of shit (yes, I am a real gem) and any guy who doesn't stand up to me gets bulldozed over very quickly. But seriously, I am living my life, I have plans I am working toward (med school, etc.). What kind of dude just shows up and is like, "hey, I know you got your thing going on but I am super awesome (and sparkly too!), so why don't you just drop everything and become the perfect [read nausea inducing- seriously, do they need to embrace each time one of them leaves to go to the restroom or makes a sandwich in the next room?] couple. Oh yeah, and by the way, I will make decisions that I deem to be best for you without consulting you and then act on these decisions, again without consulting you."

I have nothing against women who are or want to be stay at home mothers/wives, that can be the toughest job out there and I give them props for it, they are stronger and more capable than I. But to feed our youth the idea that young women need to wait around for the guy to come before their life can really start is not only archaic but also unhealthy, for the individual and any relationships they might have in the future. Could you imagine being the dude who ends up with the woman who has no life outside of him? Eeeek! That might work for a vampire who has no job and all the time in the world to ponder the amazingness of their lover's eyelashes as they sleep, but for the average Joe who has other shit they need to take care of, that seems like it would be a pain in the neck. Worse yet, it tells women that any plans they had pre-guy weren't really all that valid or important and therefore can be discarded without a care.

I am sure my upbringing in a female dominated family effects my perceptions. As well as the fact that I have had my fair share of all-consuming relationships in the past (I am a sucker for a troubled bad boy who sucks you in and pulls you down with him), so I will not pretend to be unbiased. But why oh why can't we create stories for youth that show a push and pull between the sexes? A story that revels in that wonderful contrast (and value) between men and women and displays collaboration versus submission. I wonder if the popularity of this type of story becomes increasingly attractive to women as the economy becomes increasingly unstable/difficult... it would make sense, why try to conquer your problems yourself when you can just wait for a guy to do it?

Besides, as far as I am concerned, what is the fun in rolling over? If a guy (or anyone for that matter) wants to win a battle of the wills with me they'll have to work for it. Scratch that, they will have to work extremely hard for it. Nothing worth having is ever had through default or automatic submission. :-P

Update: Because I enjoy being thorough, here is an article in PsychologyToday.com by Regina Berreca that had me cracking up in the middle of the chem building lobby as I waited for my class to start.

Of Love And Lasers

Ok boys, here is your warning upfront: if you don't want to read a post on the grooming habits of women, skip this post.

So for my new thing this week I got my first treatment of laser hair removal. I am pale with dark brown hair, meaning that even when I shave my legs, the hair below the skin is still visible. Oh the joys. On top of that, I have sensitive skin...can you say razor burned underarms in the summer? Yeah, not fun at all. So with the recession and crappy economic state of..well, just about everyone, it appears that cosmetic procedures, such as laser hair removal, are being hit pretty hard. In response, they are offering deals that are nearly impossible for me to pass up.

Anyhoo, back to the story at hand...

So I scheduled my appointment in the evening and was promptly greeted that night by my very nice nurse who would be wielding the laser for the next year (6 treatments 6 weeks apart, it isn't a quick process). She was knowledgeable and efficient, two very good things when someone is zapping your hair in some pretty sensitive areas. Speaking of which, I can now safely say, that a petite 5'4 nurse, we'll call her A, knows my lady bits better than me, my gynecologist, and my past lovers. Under her scrutinizing gaze and the unforgiving bright lights of the procedure room, nothing was left to the imagination. Ah, the joys of being a woman...

As for how it felt... overall, it wasn't very painful. But I will tell you this, it is nothing like getting waxed. I have been a dedicated waxee for years and while that pain is startling, it is very quick. Over before you really start if you have a good esthetician. The feeling of a laser is completely different. It feels as though many of your hairs are being repeatedly tweezed out of your body simultaneously. Over time that can feel a bit agitating. And this is one of the "pain-free" lasers. But it is worth it. So worth it. Come summer, I will be one stubble/razor burn-free lady strutting her stuff...in long capris and flowy long sleeved blouses because I will still be pale and burn like a crisp in the sun. But I will know I am hair free under all those layers, even if no one else in the outside world can tell! Hahahahaha!

Tiring of Tactfulness

I spend 99.9999999% of my days being tactful- determining the best way to word things to a frustrating colleague, watching my words as I explain a situation so there is no misunderstandings, gauging my dealings with strangers to determine just the right level of involvement and interest I should display or hold back to ensure there is no mistaking my interaction as anything but polite and brief.

Perhaps it is my 3 hours of sleep I have received in the last several nights, maybe it is the power struggle occurring at my work as everyone seeks to wrestle the power of executive director (which we are currently lacking) into their corner, or perhaps it is the endless hours I have spent studying physics with no noticeable improvement in my performance, but whatever the reason...I am getting sick of being constantly tactful. Always aware of how others will likely perceive me in any interaction. Don't get me wrong, being tactful fits perfectly into my control freak nature, I am intentionally and actively manipulating my interactions with people to get a desire outcome (admit it, you do to. Everyone does to some extent, it is part of survival). Today has just begun and I find myself resisting the urge to respond to several situations with a bluntness that would border on rude.

What freedom that would be. To respond with no investment in controlling the outcome. The fantasy of it titillates my thoughts but each time I come close, I pull back, unwilling to relinquish that control. I do not yearn to to become a rude, abrasive individual in all my interactions, I simply yearn for one moment, one instant in which I do not care. I am not there yet, but give me a few more sleepless nights and stressful mornings to match and I might reach that point quicker than expected.

The Physics Of Bronchitis

The component vectors of a coughing object (me) are Ay= .25m, 30 degrees and Ax= .5m, 45 degrees*. What is the total motion vector for that object?...Do you have the answer yet? Let me save you the trouble. The correct answer is "0". How can that be you ask (I am sure any physicist that stumbles across this posting will be driven nuts by this nonsensical physics problem. Hehehe), well it is simple really, I haven't moved from my bed in about 4 days.

An annoying cough appeared on Saturday and by Sunday night I was down for the count. Wishful me figured it was a 24 hour thing. Ha! I went to school on Monday and just about died. Called into work for Monday...then Tuesday...then Thursday (I don't work Wednesdays). I had a physics exam yesterday night and emailed my professor that morning explaining to him I might need to periodically leave the testing room (it is a closed exam- i.e. no one goes in or out after it has started) to have a coughing fit. The image of my hacking, feverish, mucus filled self must have terrified him because he requested to administer an alternative exam to me at a later date. Thank the lord for small miracles.

Today was the first day I have been out of bed and functional and being the industrious student that I am I headed straight for the books (you know, after watching the latest Iron Man movie or course...a girl has to have her priorities). And what should I find when I begin to get into studious student mode? Why, I am so glad you asked because I found nearly 50 flashcards that I created on my ipad to be incomplete. Somehow the changes were not saved and so I am now recreating the cards (on the online site then downloading them to the ipad so I can have them backed up so this can never happen again).

On top of all that loveliness, now it seems that my congestion is vacating my chest and moving up to my head...yay for not being able to see, smell, breath, or taste.

* And for all you freaks and geeks out there, I created these values from the guessimate of the decrease in height from bending my knees at a 30 degree angle and the motion of moving forward when coughing.

Then There Are The Days That Suck...

Some days just seem to swallow you whole and the only thing you can do is keep pushing through it knowing that tomorrow will (hopefully) be a new start. Yesterday started with child abuse and ended with a physics exam.

A little boy, who is barely over 2, is getting punched in the face at home. There I said it. I am sure there is more than one child going through this, but this little guy I know personally. What a world to live in where we must hear this, betray none of our internal horror, and then hand the child back over to the parents at the end of the day? Sure, mandated reporting has placed him on the radar of state authorities, but since he goes to this facility that is specifically designed to serve children who are at risk and their families, he was probably already on their radar to begin with.

How can I tell him he is safe at school, help him feel secure, when I still must send him home at the end of the day? How to I address seeing a child just under the age of two bind his hands so tightly together that they turn purple before throwing himself backward (a very violent action against his own body, and something that he should not be familiar with at his young age)? One of our most basic biological instincts, protecting our young, is now useless in a society so large and anonymous that the people who witness and know what is going on in the home (teachers) are not the same ones to address the issues (case workers, other state employees). How is this considered functional?

Hey You, Exaggerated Respons Guy. Yeah you. Read This.

We've all been there, we're in some public place (in my case, a chemistry lecture hall of nearly 200) and something entertaining/mildly exciting/etc. happens. Most people simply acknowledge it, process the niftiness of it all in their mind and then go about their day. But there is always someone who must shout some over exaggerated, "WOOOOOOOOOOOO!" from the back of the room. To all of you over exaggerated responders, this rant is for you...

Listen up. We get it, you have limited self esteem and therefore must define yourself by drawing attention to yourself. But might I offer a suggestion, do so discreetly. Shouting, "WOOOOOOOOOOO!" from the back of the room (where you have been sitting talking to your friends for the entire lecture. Seriously, just stay home so the rest of us can hear the professor) does not make us turn to you and think, "Wow, he must be a totally awesome dude because he really knows how to emphasis the exclamation point at the end of his utterance." Instead we think, "Seriously, this guy is that impressed by a floating soda can? Just wait until we get to make foaming volcanoes for the science fair...oh wait, we did that in the second grade. Maybe he should go back a few grades."

I admit, science lectures a fun. Balloons explode, cathode ray tube electrons bend with the application of a metal, and diet soda cans float while their regular counterparts sink. This is truly exciting stuff (no, really, have you ever sat in on a psychology lecture? Comparatively speaking, science lectures are WAY better) but each demonstration does not require an over exaggerated (and forced, might I add) response from you. Learn to internalize this tendency to shout every minute reaction that you feel. Trust me, your classmates will thank you for it.