But until then...
As I am sure you have realized by now, my dating life is...interesting to say the least. After realizing that I could very well pass through nearly all my 20's without dating I decided to get proactive. That's right folks I entered the world of online dating. Between the matchmaker setting me up with people old enough to be my grandfather (and younger people who treat me like cattle) and meeting people like Mr. $1.69, I figured what do I have to lose? Well, apparently I was still pretty far from scrapping the dating pool bottom, but I am pretty sure I am well on my way.
After meeting Mr. Visor for coffee, (read about it here. Btw- I named him that because nearly all of his race photos feature him in a visor...but I am realizing now that he should be named Mr. 32-Beats/minute. I will leave that up to you to decipher) I was contacted by a guy who seemed nice, if not a little...we'll call it goofy. One of our emails entailed him retelling a story that involved him picking someone up by his ass. You heard me right. He hoisted someone up using his butt. If your mind is boggling as to how this is physically possible just imagine creating a scoop in your lower back and having someone sit there.
Why would someone write this? Email is not IM, you have time to re-read what you wrote and reconsider saying weird stuff like this...I mean, really? Don't you think while you are checking grammar and spelling you should also be checking to make sure you leave the ass stories for a later time? Like when the person actually knows you a little better?
At this time, I would like to take a little detour and rant about "body types" as described in profiles. Apparently there needs to be some sort of rule book for these things. Here is the brief knowledge I have picked up in the last 1.5 weeks in regards to men's profiles:
- Slender- means "I am a skeleton. I am easily blown down by a stiff wind. And you will be afraid to give me even the daintiest of hugs because you might break me in half."
- About Average: This could mean anything from- "Why yes, I have noticed my gigantic gut is useful for resting my beer on," to "I am a skeleton. I am easily blown down by a stiff wind. And you will be afraid to give even the daintiest of hugs because you might break me in half"
- Athletic and Toned: Well, I am sure Mr. 32-Beats/minute shows one end of the spectrum, with the other falling around, "So what if my treadmill doubles as my clothes rack? I still own one so I must be athletic."
- Curvy: I have no clue what this means on a guy. I have been too scared to look.
- Stocky: Danny Devito + the girl in the original Willy Wonka movie that turned into a blueberry.
- A Few Extra Pounds: "I'm famous! I am sure you saw me on TLC's 'My 600lb Life'!"
- Slender: Kira Knightly after she lost a ton of weight. Or any runway model.
- About average: Lauren Graham.
- Athletic and Toned: Renee Zellweger after she lost the Bridget Jone's Diary weight.
- Curvy: Eva Mendes.
- Stocky: Kathy Bates.
- A Few Extra Pounds: Gabrielle Sidibe.
- Slender: Orlando Bloom/Johnny Depp.
- About average: Jason Biggs.
- Athletic and Toned: Brad Pitt.
- Curvy: Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.
- Stocky: Danny Devito/John Goodman
- A Few Extra Pounds: "I'm famous! I am sure you saw me on TLC's 'My 600lb Life'!"
Until next time! :-)
