Little Miss Muffit Can Kiss My A**

So my new thing came quite unexpectedly this week. I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when along came a black spider who thought it was a good idea to crawl all over my desk and WAY too close to my hand resting on the mouse. Now, I had been eyeing this sneaky bastard for a while- he had been crawling along the wall next to my desk, weaving in and out of the bookcase beside me. And up until this point I had been trying to live in a peaceful coexistence with him, after all, I do work at an environmentally centered organization...it seemed somewhat sacrilegious to kill him in such a place.

But when that little f-er started crawling on my desk, you better believe I went looking for something to squash his brazen a**; I was the only one in the office, so if no one was there to witness the murder, it never happened. But when I returned, he was nowhere to be found. That smartass hid from me!

So I went back to work (after picking my purse up off the ground just in case he wanted to hitch a ride). My colleagues came in and the hours began to roll by, but as luck (or craptastic luck in this case) would have it, that damn black spider slid right down a thin thread of silk and dangled right in front of my face!!!! OH. MY. FREAKING. GOD. There is a spider in my face!!!!! My first inclination is to always squeal like a girl and run away (you think that is bad, you should see me working in the garden when a bee starts stalking me...). But I couldn't do that, I was at work, there were witnesses to this embarrassing behavior. And I couldn't kill, not with everyone around. I stood there frozen in fear. My coworkers of course noticed that I was standing away from my desk just looking into the air like a complete idiot and I had to confess that I was "somewhat uneasy around spiders" (understatement of the year...decade...millennium).

One of my coworkers handed me the tiniest paper cup I had ever seen and a way too thin piece of paper. I took it, too embarrassed to say "can you please catch it?" (I mean it is ok to say it to a guy- he's socially obligated to "be the man" but in an office full of women, there was no way to say it). I faced the dangling spider, and, as if seeing me too, it began to crawl back up its thread. That little sh*t, how dare he run from me twice!

My heart was racing as I moved forward. I got him in the cup and threw the paper over it. Oh god, I can feel his little spindly legs crawling inside! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! EWWWW! EWWWWW! EWWWWW! My coworker opens the door and I release him onto the sidewalk, free at last of his conniving little schemes. I then spent the entire day glancing above my head, determined that he had a gigantic family somewhere just out of eyesight, who were going to take their revenge by jumping on me.

And that is how I, RP, conquered my fear of spiders (for a brief 5 seconds, let's not get carried away here).

You Can Rest When You're Dead

My brain seems to have taken this phrase to heart (no pun intended... well, maybe just a little bit). My mind is an endless stream of thoughts. Not even when I sleep do I get a break- I dream nearly every night, if not every night.

Meditation was an epic fail for me when I tried it a while back. It when something like this:

Ok, clear your mind Reforming Perfectionist (RP). Let everything melt away. Imagine white light. If a thought comes just let it float past like a leaf, acknowledging it but not digging into to it.

My toe itches. Should I itch my toe? If I itch my toe will that break my meditative state? Wait, clear your mind RP. Clear your mind. Ok, back on track. Focus on the white light spreading through your body, from your head down.

Should I imagine it spreading over my inside organs too? It seems a little neglectful and half-hearted to not give them so love too. Maybe that isn't the point. Wait, I'm getting side tracked.

Oh crap, I can hear my dog in the other room. I wonder what he is getting into...

Needless to say, it wasn't a very successful endeavor. So, to make a long post even longer, this all brings me to what I will be doing this upcoming week. I will be attempting to quiet my mind. Heck, at this point I am willing to settle for just one focused thought. I have the distinct impression that this will take longer than a week, but I will keep at it :-)

Until next time!

The Circus Under The Big Top

Well here it is, the good, the bad, and the really awkward. All my meticulous planning, sleepless nights, and stress knots in my shoulders had come down to this one day.

I warn you, while this might be something new, it definitely was not done in the vain of giving up on perfection. With my name attached to this event and paying participants who deserve to get their money's worth, you better believe this thing was going to be perfect. Note to all potential event planners, this job will throw your perfectionistic tendencies into overdrive, possbily pushing them to the edge of obsession...

The Good:
Everything was right on time, each stage of the 3 hour setup was perfectly in sync with the timetable I had worked out. Then again, what else could be expected since I had actually gone so far as to take the 10x10 foot pole-and-joint canopies home with me to time how long it would take me to set them up as well as calling the furniture rental business and ask how long it took their workers to set up the 20x60 foot (aka: group) canopy... Nothing was being left to chance.

My graph paper model of the group canopy was a perfect replica and all the tables fit perfectly as they should have.


My 3 volunteers showed up and were wonderful. I am getting them a gift card to go in their thank you cards.

All 4 bands showed up (thank you guys!!!!) and the African drummers were a HUGE hit! There is something about drumming that is just mesmerizing. The fact that they showed up was a gigantic relief since our communication was spotty at best- is it me or has anyone else noticed that creative people tend to have chaotic communication styles? Sometimes they respond right away and other times they disappear for weeks at a time...

No one was hit by a car during the parade. That is always a sign of a successful event. No volunteers go into it was car drivers as they directed traffic, another sign of a successful event.


The Bad:
The night before my event, some jackass (that's right, I said it) vandalized the "No Parking/Tow Away Zone" signs I had so painfully posted (in the rain might I add). Who does that?! I mean really, of all the things to do, vandalizing is by far the most idiotic thing. It is rude, disrespectful, and just plain old stupid.

The large sound system that was rented for the bands who where playing at the event was so large it didn't fit into my car... This meant caring 2 60lbs speakers, 2 speaker stands, a mixer, cords (too many for me to count), 2 microphones (their stands), and god only knows what else 2 blocks to the event. Not so bad, right? Hahaha, young grasshopper, getting them there wasn't so bad, but after a day of setting up 40+, very heavy 6' wooden tables and then taking down said tables, plus 3 10x10' canopies and speedwalking god only knows how many miles, those speakers and stands and the mixer were painfully heavy.

It rained. But, admittedly, not too bad during the event, just a light drizzle. It was after the event that it began to pour as we were taking everything down. That is the nice thing about this area, it rains so much that people don't really let that stop them from attending- otherwise they would never go anywhere.

I forgot my camera. All I have to say is thank you to the inventor of the camera phone.


The Awkward:
I am sure most of you have been in the situation where someone goes in for the hug and you go in for the handshake and the whole thing ends in a really awkward dance of the handshake-hug cycle as you each try to accommodate the other person... well unfortunately, this isn't what happened, this was so much more awkward than that.

While running around, managing the event I ran into an old teacher of mine. He had always been an inappropriate flirt and I guess somethings never change. So he went in for the hug and I went in for the handshake but seeing that he was not going to be shifting to a handshake I twisted my body at the last moment to avoid a SUPER awkward full-frontal hug (let's face it, it wouldn't have been the a-frame, church appropriate hug) and instead had the less awkward one arm hug while my other arm lay limply at my side.

The first time was bad enough, but he did it twice! I mean really, you would think that the socially appropriate thing for him to do would be to go in for a handshake since we had already done his hug. It would have balanced out the situation. But did he? No. Once again my cat-like reflexes saved me from the super uncomfortable full-frontal hug but my annoyance couldn't not be quenched, no matter how many contortionist moved I pulled out of my pocket. Fortunately I was too busy to spend much time stewing on the subject so I guess all's well that ends well.

Stay tuned, I have no clue what i am doing next week. But I promise, it will be back on the non-perfectionist route :-)

The Flaw In The Plan

This week I am going to cheat, I mean technically it's not cheating, but it kinda is...

Currently my life has become consumed with event planning. The organization I work for is currently in the throws of outreach season and can you guess who is in charge of it...? Yep, yours truly. This type of thing is not good for my perfectionist nature, events are unpredictable, like a child who hasn't slept in a while and is getting grouchy. It is just a matter of when something is going to go wrong, not if.

So this week, due to my lack of a life and lack of time (both of which were generously donated to me by this event coming up next Saturday) I will be writing about my misadventures in event planning. And trust me, there is plenty to write about. You see, I inherited this position without any back story, no infrastructure, and no guidance. Everything I do is a result of a self-educated guess- a shot in the dark if you will. And during this time I have become very well acquainted with the concept of the early bird gets the worm (& the late bird is left frantically searching for a replacement worm because no one told him that he should be getting ready at all). Guess which little birdy I am...

Stay tuned. With any luck I will be spared the horror of a 20x60 foot canopy collapsing on participants heads or the torrential downpour that has been known to strike without warning on these lovely PNW days. Did I mention the event is being held outside?

Goodbye Food Poisoning, Hello Body Shimmies

It's me again, your cake decorating belly dancer. I just returned from my first belly dancing class and I have to say, I AM HOOKED! And really imperfect at it.

I had no issue jumping right in and keeping up with the steps, but man, I dance as stiff as a board. The years of pilates and ballet have left my carriage impeccable, but my movements stiff and very technical. It was amazing to watch the instructor moved with the music naturally, her arms and hips creating a visual representation of the hypnotic rhythm. I admit I am jealous, but I take heart in that she studied 12 years of ballet and had similar issues with dancing rather stiffly, so hey, there is hope for me yet! ;-)

In our small class of 10, our feet pounded against the cork floor in a captivating beat as we danced in a circle around the room. The coins dangling from the hip scarves jingled along to the music as we swung our bodies forward toward the center of the room and rolled our hands through the air. The music sped up to a frantic pace, beckoning for us to keep time. The pounding of our feet and the rustling of the scarves came to a sudden halt as the music changed tempo and we stretched to catch our breath.

The hour when by with amazing speed. We ended the session in a circle, sending out a blessing to all whom we know, and don't know. We took the time to show appreciation for our bodies, even if just in thought. We thanked our eyes for sight and our mouth for words, even our hips and knees. During this whole ending, I couldn't help smiling spontaneously. And it wasn't that smile you get when you think something to be ridiculous, it was actually joyful.

I thought about this on the way home, why would such a small thing- showing gratitude to a body part- bring on this feeling of happiness? It wasn't a prayer to have a slimmer tummy or more toned butt, it was just an expression of thank you for being exactly the way they are. But I guess it really shouldn't surprise me that this new experience brought out unexpected joy, we are bombarded everyday with the idea that we should hate ourselves, that we are never good enough. We buy makeup to have doll-like skin. We abstain from carbs to make sure we can fit into our itty bitty jeans. The anit-aging/wrinkle industry will never hurt for business as they pressure us to hide our age instead of honoring our years of wisdom.

And this lead me to a surprising revelation- when we accept our imperfections, when we put them out there for the world to see, it is an utterly freeing experience. There is no longer a need to work so hard at keeping up the pretense of perfection and instead you can be fully open to experiencing whatever life brings you. I don't claim to be at this space, far from it I am afraid. But I feel I should put in a caveat to this idea, because I also feel that there is a distinction that should be made between keeping up pretenses and observing social manners. But that is a musing for another time.

I Am So Imperfect It Makes Me Sick

So, I baked my first-ever cake from scratch and decorated it with homemade frosting. I was on cloud nine, I mean, look at this thing, it is gorgeous!

And just a note to all you future frosting makers out there- abandon the crisco, stick with butter. Crisco does make the frosting more fluffy, but the taste is not so hot.

Anyway, back to my cake adventure. So I created this beautiful cake- sans color because I have yet to find all natural food coloring- and was feeling mighty proud. I didn't even dig into it right away, I waited to show if off that evening. Of course the first second after I had proudly displayed my amazing talent (read with dripping sarcasm) I cut myself a piece. With that first bite I was ready for baking perfection, an amazing feat of baking skill like the world had never known...but the texture was...off. The center wasn't quite done- even though my toothpick had come out clean. No big deal I figured, I would just avoided that area and eat the outside part. But it was too late, the food poisoning had already snuck its way in (salmonella anyone?). Two hours later, I was one sick girl. It brings the idea of internally knowing my imperfections to a whole new meaning.

Needless to say, the cake ended up in the garbage. Maybe I should be like the Caesars of ancient Rome and have a person taste/test my food first... of course that could be seen as some sort of extreme abuse so I guess I will stick with sacrificing myself.

Next up, belly dancing.

Jumping Into The Deep End Of Failing

Oh my, what have I gotten myself into? I have officially started my quest to expose my imperfections... and boy-oh-boy did I land in the deep end.

Cake decorating might not have been the best thing to start off with. You see, despite what some of my loved ones might say, I lack nearly any inkling of artistic ability (see proof below)... and my cooking isn't all that great either. I once made fudge that never hardened, not even when frozen, and no, there was no liquor in the batter. Looking back on it, I really should have kept that and submitted it to science to be studied ;-)

Yes, it's fuzzy, but you get the idea.

Normally, my version of baking/decorating a cake is buying a pre-made cake at the bakery and sticking a candle in it. Although I confess I have on occasion bought cake mix and pre-made frosting to what is often a disastrous end. So what better way to begin exploring and exposing my imperfections than to be humbled in a class of 21 people as I try to keep my unsteady hand from worsening my already horrendous handwriting and my pathetic attempts at artistic design.

Note to all you (probably non-existent) readers out there: whatever your flaw- crappy handwriting, lack of artistic ability, etc- it is exaggerated when done in icing. Beware of the icing, it is out to get you.

Taking my seat at the front of the class, other students began to trickle in as the hour approached and I soon realized that while this class may be advertised for beginners, most of these women were far from it. I took little comfort in the fact that I was in good company with the two- very miserable looking- men (note to all the women out there, spare your men, don't force them to take cake decorating classes). These women were greeting each other by name, discussing the cakes they have created, and talking about how much they enjoyed taking a previous class with this same instructor. It was as if the universe had taken advantage of my vulnerability and schemed to make this as difficult as possible for me. And to make matters even worse, I was seated next to a woman who worked in a bakery... as a cake decorator! (I mean really, why was she there? just to showoff?) I could already begin to feel the perfectionist in me yearn to go home and decorate a hundred cakes until I was better than everyone in the room, including the instructor!

We made our introductions and then created parchment paper icing tubes and began piping butter cream icing onto our "cakes" (which for this class are merely cardboard cake plates).

The first hour of class passed agonizingly slowly as I grew more determined to perfect everything I was doing. But no matter how many things I added to my "cake" it just kept looking worse and worse. But then, halfway through, I remembered why I was there and I began to let it go. My lines had gaps in them and my writing sucked and still I let it go. I began to just enjoy the process of watching my creating come to life, not really caring that it wasn't going to win any cake decorating contests. I stopped trying to create the best and just enjoyed the process of creating it, regardless of the outcome. And I'll admit, I actually ended up having fun.

And, in the spirit of exposing my flaws and accepting the imperfections within myself, I have even posted a picture of my creation below.