You Did What With Your Butt?!

Somehow this has turned into a dating misadventures blog...I guess technically they can count as new things, but I will try to be better about finding more diversity in my new thing every week.

But until then...

As I am sure you have realized by now, my dating life is...interesting to say the least. After realizing that I could very well pass through nearly all my 20's without dating I decided to get proactive. That's right folks I entered the world of online dating. Between the matchmaker setting me up with people old enough to be my grandfather (and younger people who treat me like cattle) and meeting people like Mr. $1.69, I figured what do I have to lose? Well, apparently I was still pretty far from scrapping the dating pool bottom, but I am pretty sure I am well on my way.

After meeting Mr. Visor for coffee, (read about it here. Btw- I named him that because nearly all of his race photos feature him in a visor...but I am realizing now that he should be named Mr. 32-Beats/minute. I will leave that up to you to decipher) I was contacted by a guy who seemed nice, if not a little...we'll call it goofy. One of our emails entailed him retelling a story that involved him picking someone up by his ass. You heard me right. He hoisted someone up using his butt. If your mind is boggling as to how this is physically possible just imagine creating a scoop in your lower back and having someone sit there.

Why would someone write this? Email is not IM, you have time to re-read what you wrote and reconsider saying weird stuff like this...I mean, really? Don't you think while you are checking grammar and spelling you should also be checking to make sure you leave the ass stories for a later time? Like when the person actually knows you a little better?

At this time, I would like to take a little detour and rant about "body types" as described in profiles. Apparently there needs to be some sort of rule book for these things. Here is the brief knowledge I have picked up in the last 1.5 weeks in regards to men's profiles:

• Slender- means "I am a skeleton. I am easily blown down by a stiff wind. And you will be afraid to give me even the daintiest of hugs because you might break me in half."
• About Average: This could mean anything from- "Why yes, I have noticed my gigantic gut is useful for resting my beer on," to "I am a skeleton. I am easily blown down by a stiff wind. And you will be afraid to give even the daintiest of hugs because you might break me in half"
• Athletic and Toned: Well, I am sure Mr. 32-Beats/minute shows one end of the spectrum, with the other falling around, "So what if my treadmill doubles as my clothes rack? I still own one so I must be athletic."
• Curvy: I have no clue what this means on a guy. I have been too scared to look.
• Stocky: Danny Devito + the girl in the original Willy Wonka movie that turned into a blueberry.
  
• A Few Extra Pounds: "I'm famous! I am sure you saw me on TLC's 'My 600lb Life'!"

Truthfully though, I can't really blame them. I had no idea what to list myself as either. I finally decided on slim (even though in my mind that brings up images of a petite, pixie like woman) because apparently "curvy" for women is just another way of saying BBW rather than the Marilyn Monroe/Scarlet Johansson look. Perhaps they should use celebrity body types as descriptors instead. For women it could go something like this:

• Slender: Kira Knightly after she lost a ton of weight. Or any runway model.
  
• About average: Lauren Graham.
• Athletic and Toned: Renee Zellweger after she lost the Bridget Jone's Diary weight.
• Curvy: Eva Mendes.
• Stocky: Kathy Bates.
• A Few Extra Pounds: Gabrielle Sidibe.

For men:

• Slender: Orlando Bloom/Johnny Depp.
  
• About average: Jason Biggs.
  
• Athletic and Toned: Brad Pitt.
  
• Curvy: Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.
  
• Stocky: Danny Devito/John Goodman
  
• A Few Extra Pounds: "I'm famous! I am sure you saw me on TLC's 'My 600lb Life'!"

See? Problem solved. There is no mystery, no guess work. We all know exactly what to expect.

Until next time! :-)

The Dangers of Online Stalking...

We've all done it. You meet someone and want to know more about them so you do a little google here and a little google there and bam! Before long you have their entire history for the last 5 years (thanks Facebook for making online stalking super easy! BTW- how can some people not have learned to make their profiles private...?). Normally this ends in harmless knowledge such as "oh, I see he likes fly fishing." But occasionally you dig shit up that isn't bad for anything other than your self esteem.

Take Mr.Visor, who I met recently. He seems nice enough, has a good job, doesn't appear to be clingy, and is comfortable in his own skin. Plus he isn't the same age as my dad (this hint is for you Ms. Matchmaker). Oh yeah, and he likes triathlons. I mean he seriously likes triathlons. Based on my googling, if there is a triathlon, marathon, or whatever-athon within 200 miles, that boy is there. Googling his name brings up race reports from all over (and he is good too, usually finishing within the top 5). But I can handle that. I don't feel the need to be a Ironwoman in order to date someone like that. I am comfy in my own skin. At least I was until I found his Facebook page...

I swear on everything holy, he appears to only have friends (and worse, ex girlfriends) who are seriously into fitness. And every post is about something fitness related- running times, biking photos, even the weather is commented on in relation to his workout. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love hiking and getting my heart rate up, maybe even doing some pilates or yoga. But not like this. This is way over my head. Who runs for 10 miles, swims for 5, and then bikes for 20 (or a more pressing question- who runs a 4:40 minute mile)?! I enjoy swimming and, until my knees recently decided to hate me, I loved jogging (I've never liked riding a bike though), but I don't enjoy doing them all at once, all day long, until I feel like my heart will give out...

So yeah, given his past history I will admit I am a bit intimidated. Damn, who knew online stalking could be bad for you?! Someone should post a warning about this when you get online. Like the warnings on a pack of cigarettes, it could say something like, "WARNING: Online snooping can lead to diminished belief in your own awesomeness."

Ode to a Squeaky Chair

Oh squeaky chair why do you taunt me?
With your comfortable cushions and perfect size, you invite me to rest upon you while I study quietly in the corner.
But then, like a sour patch gummy, you turn bad- squeaking and groaning with each breath I take and each move I make.
Your loud protests draw the attention of everyone seated in the cavernous (and very silent) study lounge.
I discretely try to reposition myself but to no avail, you announce to the world that I am moving, pulling annoyed sighs and disapproving looks from my fellow studiers.
Oh squeaky chair, why do you taunt me so?

Is That A Coupon In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The time every students fears, finals, is fast approaching. One more week before my fate is sealed. So with the lovely hours of studying that comes with this archaic form of torture, I have been rather boring and have nothing new to write about. However, I do have something old (but new to you) to write about so here it is.

We all remember $1.69 guy, right? He was a keeper to be sure, but I have also met his cousin, Mr. 1st Date Couponer. Yep nothing says romance like pulling out a 1/2 off coupon when the check for lunch comes around. Don't get me wrong, I love a good deal. Nothing makes me happier than finding a pair of $150 Steve Madden shoes for $15.99 at Ross. But there is something psychologically off putting about a man who pulls out a coupon on a date. Coupons shouldn't even come into play until you have been together long enough to know your dates favorite tampon brand, what she looks like when she's had the flu for a week, and what "I'm fine" really means. Until that, keep your couponing under wraps. She does not need to know that you have TiVo'd all the episodes of Extreme Couponing for inspiration (or the fact that you were able to get that TiVo for free by combining your 50% off coupon with a 6 month 1/2 off trial period).

In the animal world the courting period is a time for you to strut your stuff, to show your potential mate that you are all that and a bag of chips. Birds have colorful feathers and pretty songs, crickets chip, and humans pay full price for dinner. That's just the way it works. Happy hunting! :-)

A Little Humor...

Happy Sunday Everyone! I hope your weekend has been as pleasant as mine (unfortunately my nose is back to the grindstone today). I figured with all the doom and gloom of some of my posts why not let a little levity in. However, I realized as I started copying and pasting some of the funny little cartoons I had found that it might infringe on copyright law. I have no clue, but it is better safe than sorry... so instead, I am going with the much lamer option of linking back to the cartoons. That is me, classy as always :-)

Cartoon 1
Cartoon 2
Cartoon 3
Cartoon 4