This past week has been a bit difficult for me, it started with a horrible physics exam (I am not actually worried- after the curve I will end up toward the top of the class- but it is really disheartening to put so much effort into something only to constantly come up short because the tests are impossible for EVERYONE to finish. What an unhelpful way to conduct exams...). On top of that, I have been forced to come to the realization that I will have to make certain sacrifices to become a doctor. I am fine with making sacrifices for things I want (although, I will confess this is partly the reason it takes me so long to commit to something). It is part of life, by choosing one path, you are inherently giving up another. And generally I am ok with that, but as I continue with my volunteer work I am constantly being exposed to many elderly patients who either made the choice not to do the whole family thing or are estranged from their family and are therefore equally alone. Yes, this is pertinent, just hang in there ;-P
I have never been (and my guess is, probably never will be) someone who wanted the white-picket fence dream. It never appealed to me (and I would guess my unconventional upbringing in a family full of women could have something to do with that, hahaha :-). It seems too mundane/conventional/constricting/you-name-it to be satisfying in anyway for me. On the other hand, as I grow older I have begun to realize just how fortunate I am to have the family I do. It is a rare gift to know what it is like to have true unconditional love and acceptance (don’t get me wrong, we have vastly differing opinions and can argue endlessly about various topics but at the end of the day none of us cares about that because we know and love the person regardless). Acknowledging this unique (and beneficial) dynamic a few years ago, I started looking into the idea of adopting a child out of the foster care system (pre- parent's basement/premed obviously). There are so many kids out there with no one to love and accept them and I was drawn to the idea of helping in some small way. My peek into this path wasn’t anything too serious, I wouldn’t want to do it until several years down the road anyway so it was more information gathering than anything else.
But now, as I look into my future, I can see that I will be making a choice between that path and the path of being a doctor. Theoretically, I could adopt when I am nearly 40 (~36-ish) and out of residency, but the dynamic that I am looking to capture and pass on to another will be gone. My mom and her siblings will be in their 60’s and early 70’s (their age range is significant between the oldest and youngest) and this will make everything different. Some will probably not live to see the kid graduate high school (hell I will be nearly 60 when they do! Yikes!) much less be around to be best friends, confidants, and supporters as the child moves into adulthood as they were for my sister and I (and truthfully, as they were for a few of our friends). So this makes me think I should just scrap the whole idea.
But then I see my elderly patients, the ones with no children or estranged families and I have to wonder, “is that my fate?” Am I doomed to an old age home with no one to advocate for me or make sure my wishes are followed. Will I one day be the elderly patient lost in the shuffle of the system? I am not changing my mind, I feel a very strong pull toward this decision, but the realization (at the age of 26 no less) that I will most likely find myself in the very situation I see my elderly patients in now is very hard to swallow.
