I spend 99.9999999% of my days being tactful- determining the best way to word things to a frustrating colleague, watching my words as I explain a situation so there is no misunderstandings, gauging my dealings with strangers to determine just the right level of involvement and interest I should display or hold back to ensure there is no mistaking my interaction as anything but polite and brief.
Perhaps it is my 3 hours of sleep I have received in the last several nights, maybe it is the power struggle occurring at my work as everyone seeks to wrestle the power of executive director (which we are currently lacking) into their corner, or perhaps it is the endless hours I have spent studying physics with no noticeable improvement in my performance, but whatever the reason...I am getting sick of being constantly tactful. Always aware of how others will likely perceive me in any interaction. Don't get me wrong, being tactful fits perfectly into my control freak nature, I am intentionally and actively manipulating my interactions with people to get a desire outcome (admit it, you do to. Everyone does to some extent, it is part of survival). Today has just begun and I find myself resisting the urge to respond to several situations with a bluntness that would border on rude.
What freedom that would be. To respond with no investment in controlling the outcome. The fantasy of it titillates my thoughts but each time I come close, I pull back, unwilling to relinquish that control. I do not yearn to to become a rude, abrasive individual in all my interactions, I simply yearn for one moment, one instant in which I do not care. I am not there yet, but give me a few more sleepless nights and stressful mornings to match and I might reach that point quicker than expected.
